A Different Journey

For 4 years I've been going through journeys. It's a 12 week journey wherein I change my body. It's either I gain mass or a shred the fat. This February 2009 I am on a different kind of journey. My body will not be altered, weights will not be lifted, a single sweat won't be needed. I am going back to the Philippines, my motherland. My journey would only last 4 weeks and for that short amount of time, I'm gonna retrace my foot steps. Go back to the places where I use to hangout, the streets that I used to walk, the people I grew up with and grown apart from. I'm gonna figure out why I am the person I am now. This might sound easy for you, but if you would only walk a mile in my shoes today you would also be lost.
I don't know what answers I might get while I'm back home, because I really don't know the questions to ask. This is a very crucial point in my life, I just hit rock bottom and is just starting to climb up again. Slow and steady, I am getting there. That is why I'm gonna try to write as much as possible about my journey. Let's see what happens.

My Doogie Howser moment.

Growing up back in the 80's and early 90's one of my favorite show was Doogie Howser MD. I remember that after every episode, he would type something into his computer, just like a journal. Like what I'm doing now, I'm blogging my mind out. It just hit me, that growing up I looked up to a lot of characters - and I made them my heroes. MacGyver, Hulk Hogan, Rocky Balboa, and of course Doogie.

MacGyver for his fast thinking and improvisations, I always wanted to buy a Swiss army knife because of him. Hogan, telling everybody to exercise, drink your vitamins and say you prayers - hey I did that and I'm still doing it. Rocky, for the greatest underdog story of all time - I even went to Philadelphia just to pay tribute by running the stairs in the museum just like what he did in the movie while he was training (well yeah the cheese steak was awesome too!). Douglas Howser the 14 year old medical doctor. I always wanted to be a doctor like Doogie, but I don't have the money and I thought that I was gonna settle down and have a family so going to medical school was not an option. But now that I have no more commitments, I think that I could pursue my childhood dream. But I think it's too late for me now. At this point of my life. I'm just planning to go to graduate school and get a doctorate degree on physical therapy. This is one of my goals that I want to accomplish in the next five years.

Hmm, I remember that back in high school I wrote something on a piece of paper. They were things that I want to accomplish before I go to college. If I remember it right it says:

• Buy shades
• Learn how to drive
• Sculpt thy body
• Inquire about college programs

I'm pretty sure that I did everything that I wrote down. I did this when I was sixteen, now that I'm almost 25, I will make a new set of goals. Things that I would like to accomplish before I hit 30.

• Go to Jamaica (the country, not the one in Queens where 50 cent got shot)
• Eat a space cake in Amsterdam (This is the least of my priorities)
  
• Get a doctorate degree on Physical Therapy
  
• Move to California (I currently live in NYC)
• Learn Spanish (this is very important both here in NYC and in California)
• To love someone with all my heart (I know you're out there... I'm just healing my wounds for you so I could give you my all... yeah baby!)
• Be more involved in the community (do some volunteer work)
• Bungee Jump
• Sky Dive
  
• Get a tattoo on my chest that says "Overcome"
  

I think I should stop now before I go overboard. There you go, let's see five years from now if I was able to accomplish my goals. Wish me luck!

Everyboody Knows

It gets harder every day, but I can't seem to shake the pain
I'm trying to find the words to say, please say
It's written all over my face, I can't
Function the same when you're not here
I'm calling your name and no one's there
And I hope one day you'll see nobody has it easy,
I still can't believe you found somebody knew
But I wish you the best, I guess.
'Cause everybody knows, that nobody really knows
How to make it work, or how to ease the hurt
We've heard it all before, that everybody knows
How to make it right, I wish we gave it one more try
One more try
One more try
'Cause everybody knows, but nobody really knows

I don't care what the people say
They brought it all in anyway
Baby don't fill up your head with he-said, she-said
It seems like you just don't know
The radio's on, you tuning me out,
I'm trying to speak, you're turning me down
And I hope one day you'll see nobody has it easy,
I still can't believe you found somebody knew
But I wish you the best, I guess.
'Cause everybody knows, that nobody really knows
How to make it work, or how to ease the hurt
We've heard it all before, that everybody knows
How to make it right, I wish we gave it one more try
One more try
One more try
One more try
'Cause everybody knows, but nobody really knows

Oh I wish you'd understand
Oh, just an ordinary man
Listen we'd have known
Everybody knows, but nobody really knows
And I know one day you'll see, nobody has it easy
I still can't believe you found somebody knew
I wish you the best, I guess.

'Cause everybody knows, that nobody really knows
How to make it work, or how to ease the hurt
We've heard it all before, that everybody knows
How to make it right, I wish we gave it one more try
One more try
One more try
One more try
'Cause everybody knows, but nobody really knows

I will not be fine

Justin Taylor - I will not be fine

I Will Not Be Fine
I'm clearing my phone
Clearing the wall of the pictures you gave to me
I can throw your letters away
But what to do with my soul

And you made up your mind
Now it's the time to be done with my memories
I will try'n get on with my life
But i still care for you

Chorus:
Don't lead me on
Saying I'll be fine
Yes i may live and get on with my life
But i will not be fine

And so, I'm trying to think
Of ways that a life without you may just better me
Busy me, with busy things
But always wondering how you are doing

And so, I'm going to try
To numb off the part of my brain that's the life of
Second prize for all of my life
'Cause you will not be mine

Chorus

Middle 8:
I see you all the time
I still feel the same
How can i change the things i say
When not speaking out is a lie?

I will not be fine
I will not be fine
Yes i may live and get on with some time
But i will not be fine
Yes i may live and get on with some time
But i will not be fine

Blazed

Why can't I think straight?
200 thoughts per second
A second is like an eternity
Eternity was what I wanted
It eases the pain
It heightens my senses
Breathing is so conscious
Everybody part is accounted for
Time slows down
Takes the edge away
Everything is pleasurable
A bag of Doritos is the best
Ice cream is so good
Feel it melting in your mouth
Dripping in your lips
Licking it clean
Your lungs are so full
Your head is so empty
Everything is in a standstill
Everything is funny
Just stare at someones face
And you would laugh for no reason
20 minutes of laughing... you still got no reason
Taking a shower feels so good
Can't figure out the time
I feel like I've been typing randomly for 3 hours
(looks at the clock)
Shit!!! it's only been 2 minutes?
I'm alone
I'm bugging out
I want to eat
But I just ate
Got nothing to loose
Everything to gain
Your stomach crumbles
Your neck itches
It feels so cold
It feels so good
It feels so good, that it's bad
But when I'm bad I'm even better
Nonsense that only you could understand
Like everything else
This feeling, shall pass too

Werner Syndrome

Sometimes I ask myself, why do I grow up way too fast - way too soon? Why do I desire to break the mold and defy the stereotypes. What is wrong with me? Not wanting to be like everybody else. Always wanting a little bit more on everything. Always bending things to the point of breaking. Up to this point I still don't know if this attitude of mine would help me or break me down in the long run. I hope by making a blog, I got something to look back to when I encounter another bump in the road or a huge ass pot hole.
Having an Asian background, we are not supposed to get big. But one day I decided that I would not settle to be 5 foot nothing and under 150 lbs. If I wanted to be globally competitive I got to alter my physique, so I worked hard to reach 200lbs, and it turned to be an obsession to the point that it affected the people around me.
Being Filipino who was born and raised in the Philippines, I'm supposed to stay with my parents, have a family of my own while still living in my parents house so when the time comes that my parents become frail I would be there to take care of them as they did for me. But I decided to move out of the house and fend for myself not asking for any support. Don't get me wrong here when the time comes that my parents need me, I'm gonna be there. The reason won't be owing debt of gratitude, but for love and respect.
There are times that I wish that I did not set my goals too high too soon. There are times that I wish that I was still back home with my mom, not thinking of paying my rent, buying groceries, doing the laundry, paying the bills. How I wish that I was the typical Filipino Yuppie who works in a small cubicle answering calls in front of a monitor talking to a stranger. Everything is just clock work. My salary would be more than enough for me because I would still live with my parents and I got no bills to pay. I could buy the latest gadgets, go party with my fellow yuppies on a weekday, groom the car that my mom gave to me as a graduation gift, go on vacation for the weekend, blah blah blah... you get the picture.
But I rather go for the road less traveled, the road to independence. Where the the moment you get your paycheck, you got to allot every single penny because you are on tight budget. That making too much phones calls or a text messages can ruin you budget and set you back for a week or so. That at the end of the day, after a hard day at work you eat spam and eggs for dinner. Not because you love spam, but at this moment, you're so broke it's the only thing that you could afford for now. That on the days that you are not working, you spend your free time, cleaning or doing the laundry.
My mother has something magnetized on her fridge door written on the back of a recycled paper. It says "if you do whats hard today, life would be easy tomorrow". I know that I don't give my mother enough credit on her outlook in life. Every time she would try to tell me something when I was young I would just reply with my eyes rolling as if to say, "yeah yeah yeah... what else". But little did she know, that I was listening. She didn't knew back then that teenager that she would screamed at every day for being a lazy bastard was not really lazy at all. He was just savoring his teen years because he knew that from here on it would be a bumpy ride before he could lay on that couch again and watch TV all day.

Loosing Someone

I can not sleep. It has been 3 months since my insomnia kicked in again. There are times that I would not sleep for more than 30 hours straight and just sleep for 6 hours to make up for it. But the lack of sleep does not bother me the most, it's the lack of someone. I heard a cliche that says "it's better to love and lost, than to not love at all". Maybe the one who came up with this quote never experienced the pain of loosing someone. Someone they really loved, someone that you thought you would spend the rest of your days with, someone to grow old with and go to the doctor's office for your monthly checkup because the both of you are frail and senile. I really don't know why it hurts this much, was it because it was my fault and I am blaming myself or the way around. But at this point I don't think it really matters. The blaming game is over. But come to think of it, the root of the pain is not just about loosing someone. It's about loosing your dreams that at one point you shared with your significant other. The dream house, the dream car(s), the name of your child, whatever it was it's gone now. Dreams that are shattered like glass, shards of glass that cuts you deep.
I look at this experience as a reality check, that you can't just let go of someone so important and expect them to understand your intentions. We are human, we are imperfect, we are all insecure. My intentions were good, I had it all figured out in my mind - a template to success and eternal happiness. That template, turned out to be a template of disaster. I was so focused on chasing our dreams that I lost sight of what really is important. I became selfish and I didn't even noticed it until now. My intentions were good, my execution was bad as a fatherless bastard.
They say that you could/should learn from any experience life throws at you, even a heartbreak. If I could only understand and accept what went wrong. Then I would emerge being wiser and stronger. I was in denial for a long time, angry most of the time, tried to bargain my way out of this misery, was depressed from the beginning, so the only thing left for me is acceptance.